Something You'll Never See Here Again: A Book Review

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You know the expression "there's one born every minute"? It’s an expression typically used to describe the fecundity of TFIs. (There’s a lot of them, you guys.) But the same cliché could easily be applied to would-be bloggers. If I had a nickel for every time someone reached out to me about how to start a blog and attract readers, I’d be all, “what the hell am I supposed to do with these damn nickels??? This isn’t the ‘70s!”

Blogs are free, did you know? That’s right, anyone can have a blog. There’s no paperwork to fill out, no resume to submit, you don’t even have to have a readership to be a “blogger”, technically. Anyone with a couple minutes to spare and computer access can set up a blog. Hypothetically, none of that bothers me. I mean, if you want to wax poetic about your new life in the big city as you stumble through awkward dates and live to tell about it or film video after video of your cat being a dick, then go right ahead with your bad self. It’s the people who start “lifestyle” blogs (read: blogs that focus on fashion that they pretty much copy from blogs like this, this, and this, but sometimes throw in the occasional Instagram picture of some pasta dish they “whipped up”) with the goal of becoming a spokesperson for Payless or the next featured blogger-model for Spike the Punch or, I dunno, an author, that are giving the rest of us a bad name. Shit y’all, there’s even a whole website dedicated to hating on self-promotional fashion bloggers, which is, incidentally my new favorite time suck.

If I’m being honest, which I never am, I’ll freely admit to having fantasized about making oodles money off my CupcakesOMG! efforts.  I’d buy shoes you can’t afford from designers you’ve never heard of and rub it in your face. I’d travel to places you’ve only seen in James Bond movies and stay at resorts too good for even Beyonce and Blue Ivy. I’d sit front row at New York Fashion Week and tweet you pics from backstage. But none of that would be any fun if you guys weren’t IN on the joke with me. And therein lies the problem with Emily Schuman’s blog-volution intothe world of books. (Whew, that was a heavy lead in, y’all.)

Emily Schuman, better known as Cupcakes & Cashmere, is a pioneer in the world of “lifestyle” bloggers. She began C&C in 2008, about a year or two after graduating college. She worked at a magazine where she felt unfulfilled or something equally trite and started blogging to celebrate “life’s little pleasures”. Indeed, $2,000 handbags are exactly the kind of thing I file away under my “life’s little pleasures” folder. But like, whatever. The point is, she may not have been the first blogger (I’m pretty sure Al Gore was), but she was definitely one of the earliest bloggers to become her own brand. She designed a bag for Coach, became the 18-35 demographic’s spokesperson for Estee Lauder, and somewhere along the way, landed the opportunity to author a book.

I’ve been a longtime reader of Cupcakes & Cashmere—it’s been a daily morning pitstop on my way to things-I-actually-have-to-do-for-work for the past three years. Once upon a time, she was my blidol (blog idol, let’s just go with it). Like many of her fans, I was taken by her all-American good looks, creative gel manicures, and her collection of Jeffrey Campbell shoes. I envied the fact that her then-boyfriend/now-husband seemed to have no other wish in life than to take pictures of her in a variety of getups and locales with the perfect graffiti wall or field of flowers as backdrop. And last year, I was thrilled to learn that I could have even more access to Emily and her “lifestyle” advice when she announced she would be releasing a book.  

I ordered my copy last week and despite the fact that it arrived Friday, only opened the 8”x7” book last night. I’m pointing out the size of the book because it was the first thing I noticed. If you’re expecting a coffee table-sized book, you’re in for a rude awakening. It’s the size of a children’s book…like something written by Judy Blume, only much, much worse. It’s roughly the height of a pamphlet you might get from the doctor’s office on safe sex or a playbill at a high school production of RENT. But it’s cool, ‘cus there’s Emily, front and right-of-center, holding pink balloons, walking by her lonesome on what looks like a pier that leads to NOWHERE! Seriously, Em, where are you going with those balloons and that leopard jacket draped over your shoulders just so??? I feel like I’m in some kind of Salvador Dali-esque surrealist performance piece. And it’s making me uncomfortable.

Once you get past the size and cover of the book, you’ll learn that Em has divided the book the only way she knows how: into the four seasons. This confuses me since her blog never really emphasizes anything about seasons, save the occasional whimper she tosses out when the balmy L.A. weather dips below 60 degrees. So already, we’re off to a rocky start. You know how her blog’s divided? 60% Fashion; 20% Food; 10% Décor; 7% Beauty; 3% Whining about how many meetings she has this week. Roughly. I see no reason why the book couldn't have followed the same formula, but given that she lifts more than half of the book’s content from previous blog posts (yes, I’m serious), I suppose there had to be some kind of clear difference between the two formats.

Within the four sections, she does highlight her fashion choices (take your look from summer to fall with a pair of black tights—did you know you could do that, guys?!?!), party ideas (just in case you didn’t know how to open a bottle of champagne, Em will teach you!), and some brilliant recipes (pasta with tomatoes and cucumbers is just offensive to the word "recipe"), but so much of the content is stuff I've already seen on the blog. Of course, the pictures are beautiful and I loved a lot of the content the first time, but I was expecting more out of a book. Like, isn’t that the whole point?

I’d be willing to overlook the fact that Emily either thinks her readers are super dumb and wouldn't catch on to her self-plagiarism or that she thinks she’ll reach a totally new audience through the book that might never have seen the blog before, if it weren’t for this atrocity at the end of the book. If you’re so bold as to put the word “Cupcakes” in the title of you blog, you ought to be pretty fucking equipped to talk about them (see: CupcakesOMG!). So when I read Emily’s proclamation that boxed mix cupcakes are every bit as good, if not better, than homemade, I nearly shat myself:

There are so many things wrong with this scenario, I don’t know where to begin, so I’ll do what I normally do and just react: 

WHAT?? Wait…WHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttTTTTTTTTTTT???? Is she serious right now? Like, literally, in a book that extols the making of your own stationery, we’re gonna start taking shortcuts on the cupcake making??? The very THING that you’re so inspired by as to name your blog after it?? Oh, and by the way—you’re a connoisseur?? Tell me Emily, would or should a wine connoisseur write a book recommending Franzia for your next dinner party? How about a connoisseur traveler recommending a trip to Ft. Lauderdale and staying at a Hilton Garden Inn?? This is outlandish and frankly, it sounds like a cry for help!! If your homemade cupcakes taste like dry cornbread then you’re doing it wrong. You’ve either overbaked, overbeat, or skimped on something. You know what this now proves? That if Emily doesn’t get it right the first time, she doesn’t bother to do it again. I guess it’s MY fault. She did warn me on the cover that her book is all about “entertaining with ease.” Using a boxed cake mix really isn't any easier than homemade, okay???

She goes on to lay a stake in the ground at the icing. “Icing should always be homemade” she says. Well, at least she gets that part right. Working quickly to clamor back onto the pedestal she’s set herself onto, she goes on to teach you how to properly frost the cupcake, but she can’t even manage to do that part correctly.  Any good cupcake decorator knows you start with your frosting tip in the center of the cupcake so that the icing is high and has an even edge. Doing it the way she's demonstrating (i.e., starting on the outer rim) will result in a flat, uneven topping. Fuck.

In summation, I spent $11 on this book (two day shipping was free thanks to Amazon Prime) and it’s $11 I’ll never get back. I don’t want to act like this is the worst book I've ever read, because it’s not—I’ve read “Confessions of An Heiress”. It’s actually charming and cute if you've never read the blog before or are 14 years old and fantasize about throwing dinner parties every weekend for your friends (wake up call—that doesn't happen). But I lost respect for Emily after the whole cupcake debacle and I don’t care how petty you think it is. I’m going to continue to read her blog, but I hope the quality picks back up. Anyone else notice that her outfits started to suffer just before the book release??

I’m reminded of an article I read the other day about the return of Breaking Bad (omg, who else is obsessedicals??), and the writer pulled some quote about Bob Dylan or something (we’re nothing if not thorough on the fact checking here at CupcakesOMG!). The quote was about believing your own hype. What I’m getting at is, it seems like whatever intent Emily started the blog with has gotten lost in the hype of being a brand, and therein lies the problem with the blogging industry as a whole. I’m pretty sure this phenomenon is what’s known as “selling out.” If that’s what you’re doing it for, then have at it, but at least PRETEND like we’re in on the joke with you, Emily. Oh and by the way, look for my book hitting shelves the summer of 2014.

*For homemade cupcake recipes that don't taste like dry cornbread, check out my collection here.*

What does everyone else think? Have you picked up this blook (blog book)? What do you think of the whole thing? Are you a fan of bloggers selling out??

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